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My return  
10:04pm 25/03/2011
 
 
El Cangri
I regret that so much time has passed since my last entry. My last post was almost 2 years ago and dare I say much has changed since then. Highs and lows have been the highlight of my life, and yet I am still here to tell the tale.

My academic endeavors have come along quite well. I should hope to graduate by this time next year if all else goes according to plan. What will I choose to do in my industry remains to be seen. Yet I have the satisfaction of knowing that soon this torture shall soon be behind me.

My health has been quite prosperous, all things considered. I've even shed a few pounds, literally. I do intend to continue on this path of thinness, for lack of a better term. Perhaps the biggest blow to me thus far has been the passing of my sister. Though she and I only became close a few years ago, I often weep at her remembrance. Not a day passes when she doesn't cross my mind. My only consolation now is that she will be forever in peace, alongside my mother, wherever they both may be. It has been 4 months since the day and still I remember her voice, and smile and laughter. I only pray that I am able to make her proud with each breath I take.

Still, life doesn't close one door without opening another. That door was opened about a year ago, with the beginning of something new. My heart has been stolen by the last person I deemed possible of such theft. Times existed in which I paid little attention to her, and this is perhaps when she began crawling towards me, until finally she had me cornered and I could do nothing more than to succumb at her will. I am now at her mercy. I do hope that we can remain together until the end of our days. I feel at peace and happy when I'm with her, as if everything is right in the world. As I write this a sense of tranquility overshadows me. Do I love her? Such questions need not be asked.

I feel as if this is all a dream, very surreal and unorthodox. But, then again, what do dreams know of boundaries?
mood: indescribableindescribable
 
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(no subject)  
07:22pm 28/11/2009
 
 
El Cangri
There may come a point in my life where I no longer feel anything for you;
oh if only that were today!
That I might focus and harbor these feelings towards someone who could reciprocate them
just as well, just as strong and passionate as I.
I may well curse the day we met, little did I know all this would surmise.
Out of all those I came across, why did it have to be you?
I was fine for all this time, minding my own business tending to my studies and here
you come along and disrupt my sea of apathy.
And yet sometimes I cannot answer why I love you so.
What is it about you that caused my heart to melt?
It is so surreal that with just hearing your name I quiver, when I see your picture I become uneasy.
If I held you, I might have a panic attack. Yet I'm so calm when we're together.
But to delve into your heart and mind and catch a glimpse of what you feel would satiate my thirst
if only for a while.
As the days pass, I lose hope and begin to doubt any possibility, but my feelings don't follow in this
declination.
It may also be that I am inhibiting myself from seeing other realities. I endeavor to move past you, in
my mind it is the right thing to do and I yearn for it everyday. So why doesn't it happen?
location: casa
mood: coldcold
 
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I hate this  
09:30pm 20/09/2009
 
 
El Cangri
What is love?
Can it be separated from obsession or infatuation; is there a difference?
Perhaps my experience is insufficient to answer these question.
I hate loving her.
It sucks when you love someone at the wrong time or
when you love the wrong person period.
Why does it hurt so much not being able to be with her when I've only known her for a short
amount of time?
My mind tells me it won't work. But still I don't know.
Such a passion burns within me, how can I extinguish it?
I can't stop talking to her, it would hurt her and it would hurt me.
I'm trying to achieve a nonchalant mindset, but I haven't felt this way in a long, long time.
The distance between us helps, although not as much as it should.
I know I can get over her, but how and when?
mood: confusedconfused
music: Yo No Se Mañana
 
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Crazy Time  
07:03pm 04/09/2009
 
 
El Cangri
These past weeks have been crazy. All these Orientations and waking up early everyday, but it's all been worth it.

But there's a more powerful reason as to why I'm writing. After a million years, I like somebody. But its complicated. She's older. Like 5 years older.

Some might say it's not a big deal, others' jaws just dropped. She has stuff to clean up, I do too, though not that much, and we're on that friendship bit right now. But I like her, and she knows this, to my success or demise.

I cannot stop thinking about her and its hard to control myself. I gotta act as a friend when sometimes I feel like just pulling my nonexistent hair out of my scalp. She hasn't said whether or not she likes me, so I don't know for sure, but I'm sure there's something there.

We'll see where this goes, finally I feel more calm now....
mood: hyperhyper
music: I Swear---All 4 One
 
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Unhope  
01:13am 25/06/2009
 
 
El Cangri
Forgive me, old companion, for having neglected you for such a long time period. I have been quite consumed with the activities of being a post-secondary student, both the physical and mental ones. I seek solace in you, old friend, for being the only one who tolerates me at my lowest moments. You see, I have been harboring a deep depression which was being repressed by false laughs and temporary moments.

I've discovered that many things have contributed to this shadow which has encompassed all of me to the point where resistance is futile. So many things have piled upon each other that to mention them all would be to count the grains of sand on a beach. Suffice it to say that I can no longer bear this cross, a cross which supposedly is intended to serve some purpose which I have yet to discover.

I am in a very melancholic mood tonight. As I observe those who fastidiously hold on to their smiles and optimistic views, I fail to seek the foundation of such happiness. With such misery accumulating as the days go by, it becomes easier to frown and look down upon one's luck. My health decreases daily and with it goes my chances of mental stability. There are days which I question the very reason of my existence, of everyone's existence, of a God which loves us so much and yet allows so much chaos to exist.

This is why I do not fear death nor look towards the future. What good can the future bring when all is struggle and worry? In a place where any figment of an object can kill you, what hope can man have? None. Still, I must go on wearing the mask of deceit. I must seem as if loneliness, sadness, melancholy and tears do not exist.

The world is too cruel to demonstrate weakness, and far too judgmental. That is why I write to you only. Most could not begin to understand the depths of my abyss, or are too hypocritical to realize it. Nothing ever goes right, so why hope, why look forward to, why believe?
location: doRM
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: instrumentals
 
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(no subject)  
11:42pm 04/10/2008
 
 
El Cangri
It's been so long since I last updated that I feel out of tune with my fellow LiveJournal bloggers. But alas I've returned to the one and only companion that listens to my feelings intently and without passing judgment.

So I'm officially an FIU college student. What does that mean exactly? Well, I'm finally an adult and I take care of all my affairs with little parental advising or help. College is going rather well except for Human Biology, which is a bit overwhelming but I'm getting by. Everyone at FIU is warm, welcoming and always willing to lend a hand and that is so necessary for freshman survival that without it I might have already gave in to the desire to leave college altogether.
I quite enjoy Psychology class, the subject matter is very fascinating and my Music Appreciation class has enabled me to look and listen to music in a new light. I'm listening to music I would've never listened before, like indie, Native American folk and Oriental music.

My life other than school is completely non-existent, for lack of a better term. Hitting the books and listening to my iPod denote most of my hours after class, and the rest is occupied by sleep. I finally got a cellphone, so I'm trying to become accustomed to the whole texting and phone call ordeal. Foreign as it may sound, I was without a phone for a year and so would only speak to people on a live basis.

I've come to recognize that I'm quite a different person in college. Oh, sure I still make people laugh and do my impeccable accent imitations, but on a much small degree. I am much more conscious of the people I associate with and many times find myself alone, mentally and physically. It's as if I don't require the company of others to achieve self-fulfillment. All I need is to continue my studies and I feel as if my purpose is being served. With each "A" I receive on a quiz or test, I'm pushed further away from others and towards my textbooks.

In terms of an amorous relationship, I'm not involved any. I find that with the passage of the weeks, I require being in a relationship less and less. My brain functions with the mode of 'who cares' and when I meet people or see people whom I know little of, as opposed to high school, where I would try and get to know them and try and get closer to them, I treat them as if I were never to see them again and thus I don't become attached to any particular person. I find this solution the one where you as a person get hurt the least.

I'll be moving on-campus as of January 2009, though the exact date is still unknown to me. However, that's the least of my concern. I am thrilled to be able to live on my own, achieve independence, have some peace in quiet in my realm and be able to go and do as I please. I think that this time will serve for me to find myself. To perhaps regain my spirituality with God that I once had, not since I was a freshman in high school, and to just worry about me, myself and I. For now, I comfort myself with music. It's the only element in life that brings serenity and comfort, though temporarily and any other solution seems futile.


GOODBYE TO ALL FOR NOW
location: HOME
mood: indescribableindescribable
music: String Ensemble
 
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Writer's Block: Six-Word Story  
02:52pm 14/08/2008
 
 
El Cangri
Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” He is believed to have called it his greatest literary work ever. Can you write a story in six words?




Although the moon fades, tomorrow doesn't.
location: home
mood: apatheticapathetic
music: Bob Marley-Three Little Birds
 
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Summer so far...  
11:26pm 17/07/2008
 
 
El Cangri
has been good in some ways, and bad in others. As mentioned before, I went to Honduras a month ago to meet my mother's side of the family. I feel their humility and gentle-kindness healed me for the time I was there. Being with my sister was awesome. It's that kind of love that you feel deep in the bones, even though we had just met. I wish I had better economic resources with which to aid them, because they are in really bad shape. But I guess so is everyone else, huh?

The other day I went to Rapids, the water park in WPB. I had a blast! It's been too damn hot this summer in Miami to not go to a water park.

I haven't kept up with many people. I only know of LaJoya, Sara, Melissa, Marilyn, Stephanie and Je'Nay, who is now a mommy. I'm rather happy for her. I know she's relieved to have had the child already.

I am still searching for a job, or any other means of making money legally. It's getting to the point where I just wanna put a bullet to my head, but w/e. I received my Financial Award Letter from FIU. I'm being offered 10K for two semesters, which I accepted since I'll only need about 4K of that.

What I'll do with the remaining 6K I still don't know. I may take a cruise, just to relax and forget about life.

I still regret not signing up for FIU Housing earlier. I would have been out of here by now. Or at least, almost.

I'm so depressed, sad, miserable, w/e you wanna call it. Perhaps its the lack of money, the lack of a love life, or the wretched conditions in which I currently live. Or maybe all three. I listen to music like all the time now, and play games.

I rarely speak to anyone. I simply cannot find the method by which to eliminate such sorrow.
location: home
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: Lloran Las Rosas///Christian Castro
 
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4th of July  
08:01pm 04/07/2008
 
 
El Cangri
really sucks right now due to the bad weather. So I decided to update because I'm quite bored and have nothing better in which to invest my time in.

So Honduras was awesome; a dream come true. My family is just amazing and the scenery and people over there and very nice, to say the least. I wish I could stay over there. God willing, if I get a job soon, I'll be returning for Christmas.

But other than that, summer has been extremely boring. I haven't done much, except for sleep. Also, I'm happy to announce that I'm a godfather. Je'Nay had her baby girl Saturday. "Cookie" as we call her looks like both her parents, lol.

I recall the wonderful feeling I had with my family two weeks ago. Worries of problems, stress of unemployment, and sadness of being alone were just wiped away with one hug from my sister or grandmother or niece. Now, I'm back to my hell, my misery, my Inferno. I am quite nonchalant and apathetic towards life. I only want a job just to help my family in Honduras who are worse off than me and to be able to travel over there for Christmastime.
location: casa
mood: apatheticapathetic
 
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(no subject)  
12:01am 26/06/2008
 
 
El Cangri
The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well let's see.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them
5) Put a star next to those you've only partially read.



1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 *The Bible - God

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 *Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 *Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace -

25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Caroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 *A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 *A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte's Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Alborn

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo


Wow, I've ready 8, more than the average person. I guess it's paid off being in Gifted, lol.
 
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